Tuesday, February 6, 2007

I've been involved in some lawsuits.

Thank you you all for reading this blog. It is good that you are because if you did not, then technically I have the legal right to sue you. Why? Because you not reading it is like emotionally fondling my feelings. It's as if you just put your hand in my brain and just fondled and felt up the hell out of it. If you didn't read this blog, you might as well just have bent me over on the hood of a car and just had at it, because I would have been emotionally raped if you didn't read this.

Now normally mind you I don't really like to talk about my lawsuits because I have never actually won any of them, but I felt like I had to get these off my chest and tell the world about them. Here are my favorite ones:

- My first lawsuit is a classic. It was against the County of Riverside (I had lived in Riverside for a while) for false advertising since their Chamber of Commerce brochures did not inform me about their hot weather so I wanted to get reimbursed for my $800 a month air conditioning bill. Since when do we have to learn about weather of different places? It wasn't fair, dammit. The case was thrown out, but I got back at the Chamber of Commerce by prank calling them several times. It was a fair consolation to me for a lost case.

- My next lawsuit was against the Parks and Recreation Department of the city of Riverside for putting a blue dye in their public pool that activated when one urinated in the pool. I was very embarrassed when I was caught urinating in the pool. As I left the pool after urinating, the blue evidence was everywhere. My whole family and everyone else there laughed at me. I told the court that it wasn't my fault because I had felt the water jet at the side of the pool against my leg, and I thought it was someone next to me urinating so it made me wanna urinate too.

- My next lawsuit involved suing that same pool because they had dive sticks in the pool and I was doing cannon ball dives into the pool. I landed on a dive stick and it went into my buttocks. I stepped out of the pool to the laughter of all the people there as the dive stick flopped around in my crack area.

- NASA was sued by me after I sent them a letter asking if I could be on one of their spaceships and they sent me a letter back saying that they read my letter. This got me excited and I had even purchased a fancy helmet from the sports store. They never contacted me after that, which got me all upset and so I had to sue them for giving me false hope.

- The company who built my jacuzzi was also sued because my wife April learned that she could use the jets to get sexual pleasure. This got me worried as I felt my marriage was in danger since April had found someone or something better than me!!

- I sued my neighbor one time for pointing a shotgun at me. He was mad because he walked outside to find me standing over and behind his dog naked. I was mad that the dog was barking at me all the time and I was using a technique to show the dog who was dominant. I thought the dog was trying to ridicule me. What? I didn't think what I done was strange. It was me just going back to a primitive side that we all have inside us all. Don't deny it, you know you have one.

- I once filed a lawsuit against Britany Spears for alienation of marital affection. I was so turned on by Britany Spears that I was no longer turned on by my wife. Damn Britany for having huge hooters!

- I sued a lumber company for failing to warn of dangers with their lumber. I was on a construction site, saw a hot Asian girl get out of a Corvette and I got turned on. So I grabbed a piece of lumber, WD40 and Paul's Plumbers Putty and well I put my unit in a hole in the lumber and I got splinters all over my privates. I felt the company should have had a warning on the lumber about this potential problem. And Paul's Plumbing Putty should warn its users that it is not a good lubricant for knothole sex!

These are only some of my lawsuits. I will post more blogs telling you about all of my other lawsuits. I hope you learned a lesson about using the court system to your advantage. Please don't laugh at any of this. I'm a very emotional person. Is it so wrong for a man in today's world to seek justice when he has been wronged? No sir I think not!


Brookelina said...

I like this blog. I like all the fondling, and the image of you being bent over a car hood is not one I'll soon forget. Of course, I won't be picturing you.. but someone ...you know...hot.

Is your name Ted or Steve? It's confusing. I don't like being confused. Do I need to settle this issue in court?

Steve said...

That's sexual harassment. If I could get a lawyer, you'd be hearing from him.

Are you into submission?

josh williams said...

What the hell did you do with fat Ted, you done kidnapped my bitch, I think I'm-a-gonna sue you before you get any ideas about suing me for calling the police on you for killing and hiding Ted in your crawl space...Stay away from me!

Everything Nice said...

Dear Steve,

I'd say you never have to work. Ever.


Fucking Moron

Steve said...

Josh....you just gave me the idea you dumb hippie.

EN....I've never actually won any of my lawsuits.

josh williams said...

I am not a hippie.

Enemy of the Republic said...

I like you. This is a good blog. We need bloggers like you. Keep us informed.

Satan said...

i have come to claim your soul

if you want to win one of your lawsuits we might be able to work out a trade